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[24 Dec 2009|11:29pm] |
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ATHF |
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I got to open my big gift early. My family got me a macbook :)
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[18 Dec 2009|09:25am] |
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i think i might of reached my limit. i always said that i had no moral objections to suicide, but i was just gonna wait till it got so bad that death ( and whatever comes after it) felt like a reasonable solution. my mother always called it a permanent solution to a short term problem. maybe when i was 12. but does 22 years qualify has a short term problem? i mean am so disgustingly behind all of my peers, and it is NOT because i choose to be.
no one has ever liked me ever kissed me or ever held my hand in a romantic way. the only people who touch me are the villagers. i'm sick of being physically different from all of my peers. and i'm sick of wondering what makes me so bottom line unlovable. i feel like my body is nothing but a very visible scar left over from childhood. the depths of that trauma i have never shared. ever. and the craziest part is that nobody knew! all those grown ups ( teachers and therapists and my mom's friends!)couldn't tell. i could see through them when i was six and they couldn't see that ever night i was going home to a mother who loved food more then me and a father who stuck his hands all over me every time i saw him and told me it was a secret. who used to carve nasty words into my back as he was raping me. too personal for the internet? i don't fucking care. i'm done. GROWN UPS ARE BLIND and i don't want to become one.
you know i want to get past this, and i've been trying for so many years. i moved to a farm, and i work all day outside and i eat RIDICULUSLY healthy food and nothing changes. i feel a little healthier. but i'm still fat. and to tell you the truth it only bothers me when i'm around other people because they CANNOT see past it. you can say that's not being fair but if i have anything going for me it's being able to read people pretty well. and it's true. without a doubt every single couple i know( besides the peeps who have been married for like 20 years) if one of them gained 50 pounds that relationship would be OVER. it would be blamed on drifting apart or changed interests. fat disgusts people and i have no idea why.
people are horny sex driven animals and it disgusts me that they can't see that. plus when i point it out people come up with whole lectures about how "people are after all only animals" and "you can't fight chemistry" . are we only animals when we graduate from universities, when we choose to eat only vegetable when are stomachs are clearly made for meat. is it the animal in us that paints and sings and dances. is it the animal in us that wears clothes, and builds houses, and uses money? we seem to ( as a society) get over a lot of our animalistic urges when we want to. it's funny how most people can't tell when they're being manipulated.take a look in a magazine and show me a fat person. i'll give you a million dollars. literally. i will save and save and save and i will give you a million dollars.
i curse myself for being born in this day and age. all anyone talks about is the obesity epidemic. god i hate that word. sometimes i think that it's my anger that keeps people away. but then again my anger seems to stem from the messages i got from being a kid. DISSAPEAR. DON'T BOTHER ME. BE ASHAMED OF YOUR BODY. and now every day all around me are affirmations of those childhood lessons. i'll be your friend but nothing more. i'll tolerate you as long as there is no drama . why is it that only pretty girls can act like assholes and get away with it? do you think they know they have that power? i thought that when i came out of the war that was my childhood things would get better. the only thing i could do was to recognize it and try and move on. try and be open to friends and more then friends. friends have come my way. good friends at that. most of whom i burned that bridge with because i was so angry at them for not giving me more. certainly not fair to them, but i couldn't get past the disconnection. when i talk to my friends about their problems. i literally have not one once of sympathy left in me. it's like someone with a paper cut complaining to a person who's had all their limbs cut off. so the past few years have been especially hard because all anyone ever talks about ( again, this is all from intense observation) is sex and being in a relationship. that is until you actually get inot a relationship and then i pretty much plan on never seeing that person again. another constant i hate about life. my mom got stomach stapling surgery. how sick and desperate is that. can you staple out pain mom? can you staple out the failure of raising and miserable daughter. who's still here by the way, and still struggling in case you were wondering. i would never do that. the giant hurdle now, is i am what i am. and my past is my past. and i'm sitting here in this huge body which i actually can control thank you very much....but what happens when i do. say i loose all this wait and somehow people start paying attention. what kind of fucked up lesson is that. change for the world kiddos, and everything will be peachy. look like how i want you to look and you'll be happy. no, fuckers. you'll be happy because you have something hot to bang. not a person, but a lump of bone and muscle to divert yourself for a while. and i'll be sitting there, loving the touch...and knowing that if it had been before, this person never would have given me the chance. and that's just not good enough. i refuse to be part of a society where someone like me, who actually aches to be loved, has been driven down by the FACTS she sees over and over and over again . SEX will not come to the ugly. LOVE comes after sex.
i have an image that plays non-stop in my head. i'm alone crying and ripping myself apart. and a person comes in and RECOGNIZES my pain. and cares enough to sit and hold me and touch my whole body. and then tells me that they're willing to take the chance. i don't need madly in love.i just want a chance. i need to be touched and told that i'm not some horrible scary mosnter. i need someone else to see past my body. because i kind of like it . it shows where i've been. and me. my body is beautiful because it has survived.
because i have survived
i'm keeping it. it's gotten me this far and if no one else is going to see me for who i really am. ALL OF ME.
then me and my body are gonna leave. plain and simple. i'm completely done with being alone.
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